I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
