what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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