Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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