I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
