Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
