We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
