I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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