guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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