I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize