I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
