like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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