he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
