I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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