I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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