remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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