my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
