i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
