about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
