I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
