My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
