Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
