Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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