i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
