Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize