Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
