I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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