So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You took a bar mat shot.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
