she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
