i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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