Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
