You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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