some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
