We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
