The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
