How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
