Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
