I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
