And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
