just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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