when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
