somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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