So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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