My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
