We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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