This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
