just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
