Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
