Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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