You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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