My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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