Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
