cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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