I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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