I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
