that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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