Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
