Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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