I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize