So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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